At The Beginning

Sophomore gym class, sitting all lined up in rows on the floor, I saw you. Ben Crosland. Athletic, tan and good-looking. Being by far my favorite class, that made it even better. Photographic evidence revealed to us that we had more interactions. Kevin brought home a picture Mrs. Beutler had taken in foods class - we were in the same group:). (Not my best picture moment!) Our paths also crossed in seminary where you signed my yearbook, "We should hang out sometime." It just took us four or five years until we did...

 

Given my poor memory, it is amazing to me what I do remember from high school. I don't necessarily remember specific interactions with you, but I remember thinking you were sincere and kind. However, some of my friends had crushes on you, so vicariously I actually knew a lot about you. I also remember meeting your mom who seemed genuinely interested in meeting me. Knowing her now it makes sense, she loves meeting new people and getting to know them. I met Amy when she was a sophomore and she was so friendly. I knew then that you had an incredible family. (Not even remembering some people I hung out with in high school, but remembering meeting your family was a blessing.) You loved high school and everything involved with it. You always treated girls with respect. You were an incredible football player and had an incredible group of friends. I'm glad you still keep in touch with some of them today.

High school was probably important for me to live through because I learned and grew. Getting good grades was important and playing soccer was a passion. Girl drama was a completely foreign concept to me, mostly due to the fact that I never really talked to boys (...even on dates!). Having a boyfriend my senior year meant only that I lost other friends and missed opportunities for fun. (I hope I can persuade our kids to just date lots of different people for fun in high school:).)

College started for me at Weber State University, and you went on a mission to Tampico, Mexico. Some time after you got home I distinctly remember talking to a friend. During our conversation she told me that you were engaged. My heart literally sunk. It was an unexpected feeling and the first and only time I felt a time-pressure for marriage. I'm sure I said something like "all the good guys are getting taken," but the feeling I had was so strange since we had no real connection. The only explanation I can think of is that in my soul I knew you were the most incredible person I had ever met, and I would want to marry someone just like you. Or, YOU.

After getting my associate's at Weber, a year of work and a cancelled engagement, I moved to Provo to go to BYU. I started getting my life in order. I changed majors and decided on Fitness and Wellness Management. BYU brought out all the fun that I never had in high school. I met many people during my time there, but the most important person I met there, obviously, was you. The day I walked into the Marriott Center to go to a devotional I had the most overwhelmingly powerful feeling. The spirit whispered to me THIS is exactly where you need to be. 

Just finishing my workout at Gold's Gym, (at the gym-how fitting) someone called my name in the parking lot. Ben Crosland?! On your way into the gym with friends, you got my phone number and said you would call me. I excitedly told my roommates that one of the hottest guys from high school wanted to hang out and I would totally set them up. (You are thinking I'm so weird for writing that.) Sure enough you called to hang out with a group of your roommates. Being the least observant person on earth I amazingly remember that you were wearing khaki pants with a light blue sweater that matched your eyes. The next day, and about a week after the new year of 2003, we decided to all go to a fake new years' party. 

You went with a car of my roommates and I went in Anthon's infamous "big red" SUV to the party. I was a little bummed I didn't get to ride with you but not too worried since you were with my roommate I was going to set you up with. At the party we gave each other a party favor (and we both kept them afterwards. Sentimental right?:))  The next day, you called me to go out. I was completely surprised and excited! Our first date was ice skating. I'm terrible at skating but had so much fun. My best friend Ashley came with your roommate. The combination of them was hilarious and I felt a little bad for Ashley:)! You sent me a text after our date saying you had so much fun and thanks for going. I was flattered, and I don't remember if I responded back!

I started a new journal days after I met you, not realizing I was about to chronicle the courtship of my future husband. I have to consult it to remember other dates... On our second date we went to a hockey game with your parents and Amy. Met the family on the second date. It was no big deal to you, apparently they met almost everyone you dated. But it impressed me with how comfortable you were  introducing us and the friendship you had.

One of my best friends, Tasha, had left for a mission. A few months before at the MTC she ran into Rob Inderrieden and you walking just outside of the building. She wrote me a letter saying if things didn't work out with the guy I was dating, "I should marry Ben Crosland." The best advice ever and incidentally, she married Rob.

The guy I was dating I had abruptly broken up with days before I saw you at the gym. I don't know why I broke up with him (well, I do now) he was a good guy but I just felt it wasn't right. While he was always fun and nice, he didn't treat me the way I envisioned my husband would treat me.  I grew tired of the 'games' in general and stopped playing them, maybe to the fault of not reciprocating interest. You were having second thoughts yourself. You had a long conversation with some other girls in your apartment building on whether or not I really was into you. Luckily, you didn't give up despite my lack of reciprocation. You asked me out again.  On our third date we went to a movie and later that night, we kissed!, dancing in a parking lot. Our relationship had begun.

Our comfort status in dating was catapulted to 'completely comfortable' on our fourth date.  You fell asleep while we were watching a movie at your apartment and totally farted!! Things progressed smoothly. I appreciated your honesty and loyalty (so rare in Provo). Your honesty extended to everything. Once I kissed you goodbye to go to class after a rushed morning and had forgotten to brush my teeth. You were disgusted and let me know. I have never missed brushing my teeth once since that day. (Our dental bills don't show that, but it's true.) We traveled the hour home to Kaysville and Fruit Heights often on the weekends. Once you were frustrated I didn't say goodbye to your family as we left. I had let you do the talking. You were not okay with me blending into the background like I was used to. You helped me stand on my own two feet. I blossomed in your attention and learned to communicate better with others.

To make it interesting, I had also been contemplating going on a mission and had gotten my papers ready. I ultimately decided not to go...for some reason:) I wrote in my journal, "I am missing out on [a mission] by dating Ben [a gutsy move I might add considering how early into our relationship we were! But I also think it speaks volumes about how much we felt for each other early on.] but I called my mom and she was like, hey, when have you ever made a fast decision, that's perfect for you!"

Saying I love you was the most natural thing in the world. I said it first on accident. One of the nights we were tired but still wanted to hang out we had fallen asleep. In some sort of sleep/wake state the words just fell out of my mouth. It woke me up a little bit more. I thought, "Did I just..." Without missing a beat, you answered back like you had said it to me your whole life. "I love you too babe."

While we dated we both had busy years with school, work, and life. I went to DC for a conference with school in February and ran the Boston Marathon in April. You went fishing in Alaska with your dad and brothers in July.

We had so much fun together. I made a list of a bunch of dates we went on, here they are:

 Hiking up Farmington Canyon

Brushed horses at the farm

Went to an outdoor movie with the lovesac (that we still have:)!)

Bowling at Fat Cats

Reading books together

Went to the gym together (all the time and we would spot each other at weight lifting)

Went to a volleyball tournament in St. George (Ben and his teammate won!!)

Went fly fishing together

Went Kayaking with his parents' kayaks up the canyon

Went to the Nutty Putty Caves (once with Steph "I love you to death" and once with Nette in the MUD! We ruined Jason's car!!)

Skiing

Rode motorcycles (decked out in official gear!)

Dressed up in Savers clothes and ate out with sisters

Sledding

Played on a coed softball team

Played in a coed doubles volleyball tournament

Had a picnic

Went to the river hot pots in Midway late at night with friends (Anthon and Jennie's first date!)

Movies

Made dinner together (you CAN cook, this is proof)

Went jogging

Washed our cars together

Did baptisms for the dead

Went swimming

Hiked the "Y"

Went hot tubbing

Went to the Forgotten Carols

Went to a Ricochet concert

Intramural Football "The Perfect Season"

Dinner and games with friends

New Years Party

Sleeping...you have to have sleep and if we were both tired but wanted to hang out, why not sleep!?! I think my roommates thought I was terrible and always making out, and I'm sure we did our fair share, but we literally slept half of the time we were together!!

Lake Powell in August with Ben's family (I remember this being the first time we had a deep connecting talk about marriage and our vision of it while we floated on the warm water.) 

We went to Bryce Canyon with my family. I love hiking! 

You made it clear that whoever you married you wanted to date for a long time before taking the leap so that she would know the real you-the good and the bad.  Sometime in the summer I wrote in my journal, "If we got married it would be in like April or something after I graduate, then we might head to Utah State where Ben would finish up school." It's funny I remember stressing more than anything else in my life about what to do about you, but I never wrote about that. Since everything worked out, documenting the struggle seems pointless anyway! I do remember you talking about possibly going to Virginia to play football or buying a motorcycle (instead of a ring?!). These were all very confusing to me and left me trying to visualize life without you. I couldn't. Details now are foggy in my mind. All I know is that after 10 months of dating, we had no plans for marriage.

Probably what was a gradual change for you, although you have never shared details about what inside of you changed, seemed like a sudden change for me. You wanted to get married. We went ring shopping. I was the worst experience of our dating history! We went again; I learned a little about doing stressful things with you. This time was better and I found one I loved.

January 2, I went to your work at UCP to get you and you told me you wanted to go to the gym. I asked you if I could stay and work at the computer. You said no, to just wait at your house (I had already gone to the gym that morning). I might have debated a little about doing that, and then conceded and went to your house to wait until you got back. I walked in the door to your apartment and there were roses and a card with my name on it. It said how much you loved me and how you had a question you were dying to ask me- text when I got the message for the 'big question.'

I wish I could remember what you said when you asked me. It was beautiful. But all I could think while you were talking was "ASK ME!" I couldn't wait to say "Yes." You gave me my ring. It was not the one I picked out. Have I ever told you that? Seriously. I love it anyway because it's from you. We went to dinner and a movie.

My journal proceeds to be filled with details about my wedding. blah blah blah. Graduation for me was April 22nd and 23rd, the Salt Lake Marathon was April 24th, and our wedding day was set for May 7th. I was set for a nervous break down, but we survived the whirlwind of events.

Our wedding day is a wonderful memory. I spent the morning getting ready with my mom and sisters. My sister Becky did my make up and Laura, a friend, did my hair. I went to the Bountiful Temple  where we would be sealed. My family got there a little early. You came later and I panicked when you weren't there yet. As exciting as this was, I can only imagine the emotions you must have felt. In the sealing room we held hands. Mine were sweating so profusely they were practically dripping. Having been so shy I could barely talk to someone I knew, I never liked having a lot of attention. I was more nervous about that than actually getting married. That decision felt right. Alden Rigby, a friend of your family and our sealer, spoke to us first. He compared life to a marathon. I love that analogy, it has so much meaning for me. Then he sealed us for time and for eternity. That defining moment has a sweet peace for me.

We had our luncheon in Bountiful at the White House and a reception at Castle Brook in Layton. I sang "At The Beginning" with Vanessa and Carri Huebner:

We were strangers starting out on a journey,
Never dreaming what we'd have to go through.
Now here we are and I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you

No one told me I was going to find you.
Unexpected what you did to my heart.
When I lost hope, you were there to remind me
This is the start

And life is a road and I want to keep going
Love is a river, I wanna keep flowing
Life is a road, now and forever, Wonderful journey!
I'll be there when the world stops turning,
I'll be there when the storm is through,
In the end, I wanna be standing at the beginning with you.

A dear friend of ours wrote about us early in our marriage. I hope she doesn't mind me sharing something I treasure.
Ben and Carrie,
Solid and sensible, so strong- sacrificing for dreams of a well lived life. Core family role changing as new family is created and nurtured, so far away. Past learnings fresh, mistakes not repeated. marital milestones gently treaded with occasional reasoned arguments threaded and ended with love. Carrie - grace and classic beauty, comfortable observing, so interesting when isolated and engaged in conversation. Ben-every part of being illustrates manhood. Never forgets to stop and single out individuals for identity-gentle, understated sense of fairness; so much his father.

I don't know why I decided to write about our relationship blog-style these nine/ten years later. I know you don't love sharing things publicly, so I won't draw attention to its publishing, which will be at the beginning of the blog (and thus not showing up as a new post). But I want this to be part of our history. I want our kids to be able to look this up whenever they want to know how mom and dad met and I want them to know that I love you most.